People Pleaser: Sentiments on Returning to the States

I cannot believe that I have only 3.5 months remaining until I return back to the States! Over these past almost two years, I have grown tremendously in my personal and professional growth. I am beyond thankful for it. Was it easy? No, because comfort and growth do not go together. There were many unglamorous moments and walls of long standing that had to be demolished. It was when the two worlds collided with my struggles in Eswatini and my inner turmoil from the States left me utterly broken. People in the States told me that just because I move to another country, I cannot run away from my problems and moreover myself.

So, I told myself and others that my intentions to serve Peace Corps was to serve the people. With the challenges, the loneliness, the depression, the suicidal ideations I faced in the past, I did not want others to also feel growing up. I also chose Peace Corps due to its international focus as I came from an immigrant background. I knew without my parents venturing to the United States, I would be no different from a child raised in a rural, developing country. Hence, I yearned to help others to obtain the skills and knowledge from the privileges and opportunity I had growing up in the States.  

 However, like my telecoach told me in a session, one cannot live their life completely for others or one would hit the fan and burn out; consequently, one would lose oneself in the process. So, I confessed that I applied to the Peace Corps during my senior year in college and honestly wanted to escape the States. In the States, I struggled to find air to breathe and felt so suffocated. I was crippled with my trauma. Year after year, I would try so hard to heal. But no matter how hard I tried, something would trigger me and I would be pushed right back to where I started. I was grappling so much with the life I could have had that I would never get, wrestling between being grateful for those supporting me but also wanting to amend the wrongs, their physical presence but also emotional absence. I felt guilt and utter hatred that I could not forgive others despite being understanding of what caused their actions/behaviors towards me: we are all just imperfect humans who function out of our brokenness, replicating the same things that people have taught us in our childhood due to not knowing better, as no one has shown us what better looks like. I honestly felt trapped.

So, joining the Peace Corps helped me escape my triggers. I could physically remove myself from the environment and the people. However, the rooted wounds manifested themselves in my different interactions with others. I found myself in vulnerable situations and was functioning out of my brokenness. I extended myself to the point where people could take advantage of me, or my good intentions resulted in harmful outcomes to others. I came face to face to who I was, a people pleaser.

I was raised being a constant disappointment to others. Hence, in order for me to survive, I felt that I had to appease people in order to be accepted. Clearly, me being me was not enough because my mistakes caused grief to others. My existence felt like a mistake so instead of offering myself, I offered people the care of what they wanted. I overextended myself in people’s pain and mental health so that they could change their thought process and see their true value. However, the reality is that I cannot change a person nor am I responsible for their change. I was trying so hard to be the person I desperately wanted growing up because I felt torn in my desire to change but not knowing how.  

Being a people pleaser, I also recognized how I suppressed my voice and how vulnerable I became. I didn’t know what better was like so I held onto the small nuggets of appreciation given in the past and tip-toed my way forward in hopes I wouldn’t be a grief in order to obtain their attention again. The vulnerability comes in when you cling onto the small appreciation to constantly by-pass others actions, and to compromise one’s own needs/desires to please or appease the other person to stay. And while I did not verbally express my needs to others, maybe my overly kindness masked my desperation that I too wanted the reciprocation to be seen.

However, I learned how little self-worth and self-respect I had. I allowed people to step all over me and gave them permission to do so. How much I tolerated was a reflection of how much respect I thought I deserved. I learned that boundaries unconsciously inform others what is and is not acceptable in how people treat us. Boundaries should not be seen as barriers, rather a form of maintaining people in our lives where we can interact with them from a healthy place. Those who feel offended are selfish to not care how the other party feels; moreover, they are offended that they could not get what they wanted from that person. Hence, when people constantly cross your boundaries, the next question is it worth your time and energy to constantly defend or explain yourself? At the same time, I recognize handling workplace dynamics is different.

So, What Now?

I had no choice but to change and regard myself to a higher value of self-worth. I learned that there is better out there where people can listen, moreover they are curious and want to learn your needs and desires, while you also listen and fulfill theirs. I no longer need to seek validation from others and for people to know me for me. As much as I love helping people, wanting them to be in touch with who they are to reach their fullest potential, it is not my responsibility. I have also learned to be okay if I am not the person of choice to be a support compared to my past persistency to gain their trust. Of course, this will not stop me from continuing to ask questions for people to dig deeper into who they truly are. I also cannot be overly kind to meet the demands of everyone’s needs as it is not nice, rather it enables and disempowers people on their capability to overcome. Instead, all I can do is empower, which includes people deciding for themselves what choice they will make next.

Going back to my sentiments on returning to the States... there is a fear that I would revert back to my old ways. I also fear my re-integration with the relationships I left behind. People have moved on, I have changed a lot, and I know others have too. It would be important on both parties to not hold each other to our past, rather to take the time to relearn each other and adjust to our new boundaries. Some may take it and others may walk away. And that is completely okay because people are just different, not necessarily because a person is ‘wrong’.  At the end of the day, it is important to recognize maybe we are no longer the best people to support each other, but the sentiments in wanting the absolute best for each other in our respective lives will always remain. Lastly, I need to trust myself more. If I can adjust moving to a new country starting from scratch, I can surely meet new people and re-establish my circle.  

Hence, the other part of me is very excited to meet new people and to expand my community. I want to meet more people from different cultures and backgrounds, hearing their stories. I hope to meet people who are also passionate about growth and are visionary in their dreams, in hopes to spur and inspire one another while tracking progress. Similarly, I hope to also connect with people professionally to advance our respective passions. In Eswatini, I was intentional in my conversations to connect with people, whether to bring information from town back into my community or to share information and resources with others. Regardless of my potential extension year, my dream is to bridge connections and information back to Eswatini. It is important to never cease thinking about innovative avenues on empowering the Emaswati, whether in their personal career growth, or for organizations and businesses to increase their resources or reach.

Eswatini will forever be imprinted in my heart for the relationships I have built, the conversations, my service, and how it has molded me to be the person I am today.