The Ballroom Between Masculinity and Femininity

In a patriarchal society, it is often found that males and females have very defined roles of what makes a person a ‘man’ or a ‘woman.’ When people step outside these social norms, a person may hear that one is not ‘man enough’ or the ‘woman is aggressive, not ladylike.’ As a result, society confines people based on these social constructs; anyone who goes outside of it will be labeled or be given pushback. Like a box, these labels limit people and may be belittling at times. These judgements are based on a small aspect of one’s life without knowing all the information and experiences one has encountered, ultimately amounting a person to nothing more than that.  

For the purpose of this article, I will talk about how social constructs impact each gender and consequently society as a whole with the culture and context of Eswatini. It is when the social norms suppress both genders where it bleeds out into different social issues. At the same time, I believe these constructs and social issues are not limited to one country, rather they are seen in many other parts of the world globally. My aim is not to attack any gender, rather recognize the different struggles each face and how society as a whole can come together to uplift each other. While lengthier than the other blogs I have ever written, I implore you to take the time to read it in its entirety.

A special thank you to my fellow brothers and male friends who shared their hearts with me and helped shaped my perspectives. And to all my fellow students where I dream you grow to be healthy individuals, fight against the division and become allies through seeking to listen & understand each other, ultimately working hand in hand to empower each other.    

Females 

In the patriarchal society, females do all the home chores such as cooking all 3 meals daily, washing dishes afterwards, sweeping the yard, collecting firewood, hand-washing clothes, and raising the kids. Especially when the rural communities lack the technology, these chores are time-consuming, only leaving them with a few hours in the afternoon (For better understanding: https://www.arosahslettersandeswatini.com/post/misplaced-perceptions). With those few hours, they take time to rest. Boys on the other hand do the laborious work such as putting up the fences, fetching water from the community tap, grazing the cattle, and more.

The males may say that it’s easy to be a female because they do not have to do laborious work and stay at home all day. However, when suggesting to the males whether they would like to do the home chores instead, they resist and respond those chores are meant for the ladies. Still, there must be some understanding that the home chores are mundane and time-consuming. For example, youth males’ hand-wash their own clothes just like the female youths. However, some male youths will say how they cannot wait to get a wife to do their laundry. When probing them further how girls may also feel tired, they dismiss it and still push it onto the females as their duty. (There seems to be a lack of empathy to look beyond how one feels to see how the other may feel; and vice versa where females may lack empathy for males as well). When asking about whether the females can also do the laborious work men do, the males may comment that girls are too weak. The question to consider is, are girls weak or were they not given the opportunity? Just like a boy starting to do these chores, it takes time for the muscles to get used to the strain and build strength through the continuous tasks.

The reality is that the dishes, the clothes, the firewood, the fence, and bricks are inanimate objects without a gender. Rather, it is society who teaches people what tasks are pursued by which gender. Males are at an advantage because most of the piece jobs, temporary project-related work, are related to the normal home chores males have grown up doing. Hence, it is easier for them to transition into these works: painting, fencing, construction, brick making, and more.  

The Tango

Historically, culturally, and globally in the past, men would be the sole breadwinners in the family. It was never thought that females would work. Hence, females would raise the children and do all the home chores. Understandably, this in itself was a fulltime job when technology was not invented yet and everything was time-consuming.

However, there has been a shift in the world. Females today are allowed to work and make their own financial means. Yet despite the change in time, males are still seen as the main provider for households to this day. The challenge to live up to this expectation is that there are high unemployment rates throughout the country of Eswatini. Even if a male obtains a piece job, it is unstable and one is unemployed immediately after the term ends. Hence, males, especially in the rural communities, may comment “it is hard to be a man.” The instability of a job may create greater sense of failure for not living up to what society has defined what a man is to be.  

These expectations that males must provide financially is also seen in the dating scene from primary age. For the school-going boys, they may give money to their female person of interest to buy snacks during break time or to purchase airtime for data. As the youth get older, this will change to the male taking the ladies out for nice meals, doing their hair, buying new clothes, or even going out to see different places with a car. Without the money to finance the female, it becomes very difficult to date. Some may view females being materialistic, but maybe the rootedness in desire comes from the high poverty rates in the country. Hence, when parents cannot provide for their children, they’ll seek elsewhere, whether to obtain their basic needs or to not be left out from what their peers have.  

Females consistently being provided financially from an early age only reinforces such behavior. Some may exploit the males knowing they can get what they want. With the intention of dating for money, the relationship will end once the male can no longer provide. As mentioned before, some males may never get a chance to date when they have nothing to offer financially. However, all humans desire to be loved. Hence, the males learn that they, too, have to change in order to be in the scenes. This further exacerbates the reinforcement of how both the males and females enable each other’s behavior and the social norms in the dating culture.

Consequences

There are ramifications as a result. Females are vulnerable to being approached by older men who can provide through dating them. Who does not want nice things when one is tired of their current situation? As a female, one wants to feel beautiful and be externally adorned. When someone has more to provide, it may make her feel overwhelmingly valued despite feeling like she has not much to offer. Moreover, when a female does not feel loved or seen in her own family, neither feels understood by her own peers, she will feel special from someone older who understands and values her.

The vulnerability gives rise to the intergenerational sex, a driver for HIV in the country. When the male has been constantly giving to the female, there is not much a female can offer in the relationship except to fulfill this one request, sex without a condom (a preventative measure for HIV). Of course, it will definitely not come off as transactional (though it is present and another driver for HIV in country). Rather, the female may feel guilty to realize this may be the only few ways to express her gratitude: giving into her partner’s request.  

The school-aged females are at a higher risk for long-term consequences. It becomes easy to get caught up in this lifestyle that they lose interest in putting efforts into their studies at school. Consequently, she will have missed the window to further her education or gain experience in the workforce, relying on dating men to provide her needs. However, once she decides to end the relationship, she becomes financially insecure and it becomes increasingly more difficult to return back to school.

Even the females who are working, she may have already adjusted to the lifestyle of living above her means (separate from the women who need the supplemental income to provide for her needs). It becomes an even harder choice to give up one’s preferences and to adjust living within or below ones mean. Hence, some females find it difficult to leave such relationships.  

Males

One characteristic society puts on males is that they should not cry nor be emotional. In doing so, they would be seen as ‘weak’. On the other hand, anger or aggression is an acceptable emotion as it depicts them being ‘strong.’ Because they have learned to suppress a majority of emotions, they do not know how to express nor articulate them. Hence, when they do feel an emotion, it will come across as anger which is the secondary emotion that is masks the primary emotion. For example, a boy may not be able to sit in the emotion of guilt. Knowing he did wrong, instead of taking responsibility for his guilt, he may project anger at the other person for not reminding him to prevent such mishap. The receiving-end may react in defensiveness and in more anger, only escalating the situation.

In romantic relationships, males may struggle to be emotionally available for their partner. The females may get frustrated that the male cannot provide emotional support. Due to the male not knowing how to process his emotions, how can he then be emotionally available to the next person? It only leaves both persons feeling frustrated with themselves and each other. Is it not society who has created this predicament? Both males and females in society are quick to label boys as ‘weak’, ‘not being man enough’, or ‘acting like a girl’ when expressing vulnerability. Consequently, each time these labels are given, it only reinforces to the males that they should not feel, carrying such attitude and behavior into adulthood.

When males are not taught how to regulate their emotions, and anger is the only permissible emotion, anger will take control. Especially when men are not taught how to articulate and communicate their emotions, nor have healthy coping mechanisms of releasing the anger, the anger will only pent-up and explode in due time. Hence, the uncontrollable anger may turn to a physical hit or violence, and over multiple acts, it becomes abuse.

In any abusive relationship, it never began like this. Rather, it started out with the butterflies in the stomach, to put one’s best foot forward, and to make efforts in showing care and interest towards each other. However, the abuser becomes comfortable with time and no longer feels the need to try, and he will start showing his aggression. The reason why people struggle to leave abusive relationships is that the victim always remembers what the person was like during the honeymoon stages. The victim knows deep down there is a better version of that person and hopes the person will change. However, even when one can see the potential in the other, it does not negate the actions that have already been committed of being treated with no dignity nor respect. When anger arises and abuse takes place, it is a form of retaliation and hence the word violence in IPV (intimate-partner violence). Abuse also comes in the form of manipulation to control someone against their will. Going back to the scenario of financially dependent relationships, the financial provider may refuse to end the relationship, despite the partner’s wishes, due to knowing how much money was invested into the partner. When the partner attempts to leave, the retaliation and physical abuse will occur to stop their traction. Then, there is no choice but to stay due to the threat of their life, consequently being trapped in the abusive relationship for years.

Taking Steps Forward

There needs to be a shift in the paradigm of how society views of what it means to be a ‘man’ or a ‘woman.’ Rather than saying ‘to be a man is to suppress one’s emotions as it is being tough’, another view on being a ‘man’ is one who is brave enough to face their emotions. It takes greater strength and courage to not shove down or numb the emotions, and to sit in the vulnerability to take the proper steps to move forward. Emotions are indicators to be aware of oneself and the environment: sadness-hurting, anger- violation, peace-sense of safety and belonging, guilt-responsibility over wrongdoing in perception. Without such awareness, one cannot improve their relation to oneself or others around them. Hence, there is the saying that knowing is half the battle, or else change will never occur without recognizing the need for it. Emotions that are not properly processed will never be released, rather bottled up to leak out in different avenues in one’s life.

To the men who view women as lesser than: They refuse to become better version of themselves and rather seek others who will tolerate their behaviors so they do not have to do the hard work of change or compromise. Hence, it is so vital for females to know their self-worth and value, in order to know the respect and treatment they deserve. In doing so, they will also know which behaviors to not tolerate. Similarly, men also need to know their self-worth and value to stop allowing women to take advantage of them solely for money. In doing so, they will also stop enabling women from becoming dependent and instead to be financially self-sufficient.

At the same time, a culture can view men as providers. However, there should not be an expectation that a man can control the woman by being the provider. (Hence, it is important for females to generate their own income so one can still be financially self-sufficient post-ending a relationship).

 The reality of humanity is that everyone has free-will and can act on their own accord. To manipulate or force someone is getting another person to do what the manipulator wants, against the other party’s desire. Anyone can be a manipulator, regardless of gender. Hence, communication is important in sharing desires and needs. Again, there may be a level of discomfort, especially for men, because it requires vulnerability to articulate those needs. However, it is the only way for getting the other party to understand and to then act on the information. When people do not act to better improve the relationship, that should be more telling in how one values the other compared to forcing the relationship to work.

Lastly, men and women need to support each other to bring equality. Currently, most organizations are focusing on the girl child. However, no matter how much the girl child works hard to equip herself, she will continually have to defend and justify herself. The environment will not be conducive for her to cease certain opportunities or speak in specific spaces. Moreover, she will have to continue fighting for the respect she deserves. Unfortunately, she will have to continually weather the labels of being seen as aggressive, disrespectful, or non-submissive whenever she speaks up.

However, the men will not support the women when they also feel unseen. Hence, some men have been resistant to understand the female struggle when the males themselves have not been empowered. They know that the male child is also left vulnerable when high unemployment rates impact everyone, regardless of gender. Hence, in helping males feel seen, heard, and understood; then, they will have the capacity to hear the female voices and become allies. While poverty plays a significant role and is a complex issue at large to tackle on individual basis, a starter is for society to change the attitudes and views towards each gender. Then in becoming allies, it will create different circles of safe spaces that may eventually grow to become the majority, shifting the paradigm to eventually create change on larger scales, and to prevent the bleeding out of different social issues.

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According to the UNDPA, 1 in 3 women face gender-based violence worldwide. The United States is also no exemption from such issues as over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime (National Domestic Violence Hotline).