The Power of Choice

When people make choices, people tend to give more attention to the ones that have a significant impact on their lives. This can be the degree one chooses to study at university, the person one decides to marry, moving into a new city, or changing career paths. While these choices are well-thought out, there are choices people make daily, even in the mundaneness of life. It begins from the moment a person wakes up, whether to hit the snooze button for a few more minutes of sleep, to reach for their phones to start scrolling, or to jump out of bed to conquer the day. Choices are also made when deciding what to wear for the day, who to call on the way to work, what to eat for lunch, and when to respond to a text. Some choices do not require much thought as they have become automatic, like brushing one’s teeth or taking the same route to work. On average, people make 35,000 decisions daily both consciously and unconsciously (Jagoda, Schuldt, & Hoisington, 2020).   

The choices people do not think about or are aware of are unconscious. This includes behaviors and actions people often say, this is simply just who they are or that they have always been like this. However, all behavior and habits have been learned. The reality is that initial choice or behavior required thought and critical thinking. However, overtime, when the choices have been made consistently, the brain has learned to adapt where it no longer needs to critically think, rather it becomes a habit and an automatic response (TED, 2020). For example, one had to decide between salad or fries. Through consistently picking fries, the brain no longer has to contemplate when the two choices are presented, hence, one will instinctively pick the fries (TED, 2020).    

But what really goes on from a neurological level? Whenever the brain learns something new, the brain cells, known as neurons, make connections to other neurons to create a neural pathway. Hence, whenever the brain receives a stimulus or a trigger from the environment (outside the human body), the neural pathway is activated to process information internally on what happens next. This may be to retrieve a memory (knowledge or experience), or to inform one how to act (whether motor movement or behavior). So, whenever a brain learns something new, either a new neural pathway is created, or an existing neural pathway is strengthened. When people forget information, sometimes this is due to the weakening of neural connections over time and its lack of neural usage.   

Hence, as neurons fire together, they wire together. And through the consistent choices and patterned experiences, the neural connections only become stronger. That is why in the social work world it is known that a traumatized person can escalate immediately from 0 to 100 due to these strong neural connections. The trauma created such a strong impression, or the consistency of the harm has led the brain to expect the upcoming outcome (regardless of the actual outcome). What may seem like an innocent touch to one person may trigger another person’s trauma response to remember their past sexual abuse experience.

Another example is a child who consistently hears their parents yell why they never use their brain, or that they are stupid for making these small mistakes; the neural connections only have strengthened whenever hearing such words. Thus, the trigger of making a mistake, even without their parents telling them, the grown-up child has learned and will think that they are not smart. In addition, the brain will recall and evoke all the negative emotions attached to what they had felt in the past. Hence, when the person hears someone call them stupid, even in a jokingly manner, the person may rage with anger and seem out of control for what seems small.

So, do people really have a choice when the brain has biologically changed itself to adapt to its environment? Moreover, many times people feel that they cannot help themselves but be the way that they are. Hence, it is about bringing the unconscious thoughts and behaviors to the conscious awareness to rewire the brain. This is exactly how cognitive-behavioral therapy works. It analyzes the human thoughts as thoughts impact how a person feels, and how a person feels then impacts their behavior and actions. Hence, it is about retraining the brain to take a different thought pattern, and through consistency, the neural pathway strengthens. When the connection is strong enough, it will take this new later as the new normal. (So yes, there is science behind therapy and it needs to be destigmatized!)

Not everyone has the money or resources for therapy. Thus, there are some self-awareness activities one can do on their own. One can observe a negative thought they have and where it is rooted from. Many times, people will find that the negative thought was from what someone had said or how a person made them feel. One must look back to that situation and change the narrative. Then, one should replace that thought with a counter or positive thought instead. Hence, when the person finds themselves having their normal thought patterns, one must be self-aware to pause, and then make the choice to replace it with the alternative thought.

It will seem silly at first. Moreover, a person at their core will not believe and even reject it. That is why it is important to rewrite the narrative of the situation that caused one to learn or believe such thought. Think about taking out a trash that has been sitting in the house for weeks. Even though a person takes out the trash, the smell from the trashcan still lingers for several more days. Similarly, it will feel uncomfortable at first and seem like nothing is changing. ( May even be emotionally and physically taxing). However, through the consistency of choices and decisions, the change will happen and minimal efforts will be required.

It's All About the Small Wins

So yes, there are many opportunities to give into the natural current state or to take different courses of action. That is why there is the saying, stop delaying to always say later, just start now. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Why? Because sometimes free-will and a person’s shear determination cannot trump over the environment.  For example, “90 percent of heroin users become readdicted once they return home from rehab” (Clear, 2018). The environment is full of triggers and stimuli that make a person return back to their old habits, such as the places to take the substance or their surrounding friends who join in on them. Hence, sometimes a person has to manipulate the environment or choose to leave it. There is still a choice in that.   

Another struggle people face is not knowing how to change or improve. One cannot know better when one does not know what better looks like. Hence, there is a choice to seek help or ask for advice. Many times, people get embarrassed or ashamed for not knowing. However, how can one judge themselves for prior unknown knowledge? Rather than internalizing guilt or shaming others, people should reframe it as a person who has courage and bravery to ask. So yes, a person has a choice to stay the same or to seek out for help.   

At the same time, change does not happen overnight. However, there is still power in the small choices that add up overtime. Many times, people want to make drastic changes, setting themselves up for great disappointment. Maybe their goals do not seem like a lot on paper, however, it becomes difficult with the routines and habits people already have. Hence, it is more about building up to the intended goal. For example, no one can immediately stop smoking and it is medically unsafe to abruptly stop taking depression medication. Instead, there has to be small incremental changes to slowly taper off the medication or cigarettes (150mg to 120mg to 100mg/week, etc OR 8 cigarettes/day/week to 7 cigarettes/day/week etc).

Hence, it is important to create small wins for the brain and to reframe what a win looks like. Otherwise, people will get demotivated or beat themselves up for not sticking to the new choices they intended to consistently make, or for giving into their old patterns. Because when one feels discouraged for not sticking to their plan, the person loses motivation. The lack of motivation leads to failure in attempting the goal again, making the person feel guilty and defeated for their inaction. Soon enough, one procrastinates to avoid these negative feelings, or their disbelief/fear in being able to achieve the goal. Later, it becomes a vicious cycle where each thought, feeling, and behavior reinforces each other. To stop this cycle, many will call it quits.

One way of claiming a win is giving oneself grace for their inaction. Maybe that person had a really bad day or was emotionally unwell. Then, the person watched TV for the whole day. Instead of beating themselves up, rather, it should be seen as a win for their ability to listen to their body and to take the rest that they needed. The small win has now created a more positive feeling when one decides to reapproach the task. When one gives into an old habit, one must give self-grace as it was a coping mechanism that helped them survive over their many years or to temporarily relieve their discomfort (such as the reasons behind procrastination).

When a person currently lacks motivation, the brain needs wins to gain motivation. Again, these wins can be small. For example, it can be something as simple as cooking a meal, spending 10 minutes reading instead of scrolling, or doing a smaller task one knows they can accomplish.  When the person starts to feel positive about themselves, one gains confidence, and this confidence can then be applied to the desired goal. Even when accomplishing the desired goal, break the task into even smaller wins. The small wins will then create momentum to continue or maintain the time spent on the task.

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So Dear Readers,

The choices you make now determine your future. You cannot wait until later or once things start lining up. Rather, prepare the environment to line things up for the future.

You are more powerful than you think because it is in the small choices that can move mountains. It is like a water dripping drops into a bucket until unbeknownst to you, it fully fills and that one drop bursts into an overflow.

There is a difference between doing nothing vs becoming 1% better daily. That 1% will become exponential.   

Your mind is like a garden. Stop watering the weeds, or negative thoughts, as they will only grow and spread all over. Rather, water and nurture the positive thoughts and wait to see the beautiful flowers blossom. The weeds will become stunted when you stop watering them. Of course, intrusive thoughts will come in as weeds also grow back. However, it is about proactively maintaining your garden. My desire is that your garden will also be beautiful.

Other thoughts:

Running across videos on social media on how successful business people have made millions, some say the secret is not in the business itself, rather it is all about the mindset. I cannot help but think that this is true. They have this unfounded belief and confidence in themselves. I would like to imagine that they had to work through past hurts to no longer get in the way of striving, and to bounce back with confidence after facing many setbacks. Because the reality is many of us get stuck in our distractions when striving as they serve to numb the fear or emotions: watching hours of Netflix, scrolling on the phone, partying non-stop, drinking, etc. Hence, I believe as we become the healthier versions of ourselves, we can create space for more (whatever that more may is for you).

So, what is one way to help rewire our brains? Because even in the goals we set, sometimes our biggest barrier is our mind. It can begin with daily affirmations or mantras. There is a pocast where Cherie Luo interviews Joel Peterson, former chairman of JetBlue Airway and professor at the Standford University, the number one business school in America. Peterson mentions how he, too, spoke daily mantras over a decade before he finally internalized them. His mantras were ‘it is not about me’ to stop his overconfident and conclusive behavior, ‘I am not my emotions’ to calm himself down and overcome his emotional nature, and ‘I have all I need,’ to stop himself from blaming others because he has everything he needs to become successful. He is also a firm believer that people need to rewrite their own operating system [thus he has a class just on this topic called Assets and Liabilities (non-financial). To hear the full podcast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1mesKommyM)]

You are a beautiful human being. You are smarter than you think, more capable than you can imagine, and your choices have power. I hope you never give up on yourself. Be your potential. The tension and frustration you feel is the gap between where you are now and your potential. You’re on the right track and give yourself grace.

Cheers to the New Year, 

Arosah

P.S to Eswatini: I will continue to work hard in empowering the Maswati lamahle to recognize their power. A whole separate upcoming blog will tie into this topic.

References:

Clear, James. (2018). Atomic Habits: an easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones. Unabridged. New York: Avery.

Luo, C. Host. (2024, August 05).  Betrayal and Building High Trust Organizations in Business:

Jagoda, J., Schuldt, S., & Hoisington, A. (2020). What to Do? Let’s Think It Through! Using the Analytic Hierarchy Process to Make Decisions. , 8. https://doi.org/10.3389/frym.2020.00078.

Joel Peterson [Video Podcast]. In Cherie’s Corner. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1mesKommyM

TED. (2020, January 23). How To Eliminate Self Doubt Forever & The Power of Your Unconscious Mind | Ted Patras [Video]. Youtube. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1ojZKWfShQ&list=PLTWzLs4bVy1ZJVMAWWL3eiVx1D4siQu2H&index=2