When Conflict Meets Compassion: Finding Peace in the Unresolved

Addressing conflict is uncomfortable, especially when it involves uncharted territory in a relationship.  For a select few, conflict can be processed with someone who makes them feel safe in discussing issues. Unfortunately, conflict feels like an assault to many, no matter how often they have encountered it. People will go through great lengths to avoid it, whether due to culturally ingrained social norms or a fear that the cascade of anxieties will come true. These anxieties may include hurting the other person, facing an unpredictable or hostile response, having the other person perceive them as a betrayer, or feeling vulnerable and exposed.

Yet, is avoiding conflict really the answer? Some say that one must internally accept the situation and quietly move on. If anything, one should just change their outlook or approach on the matter. Yet, why is it that people continue to harbor the resentment, no matter how hard they try to move on? While people may outwardly appear unaffected, the heart struggles to catch up. Thoughts such as “This person has no idea what they have done to me” or “why am I the only one trying to be understanding?” may surface, fueling even more resentment. Even when it seems like a person has moved on, a breaking point inevitably comes, often revealing the unspoken scorekeeping that has been taking place all along.

In avoiding conflict, people may respond in various ways, shaped by their altered perceptions of the situation. Some may outwardly become more aggressive, show annoyance, or lose their patience with the other person. Others may withdraw, becoming more timid and awkward. Though they remain quiet, a shift in the atmosphere occurs as the tension builds – one person may feel it intensely, while the other may act as though nothing has happened, either out of avoidance or lack of capacity to reflect and adjust. That is not to say that every battle is worth fighting, as some are not. But, could avoiding conflict also mean missed opportunities for closeness? Instead of maintaining distance or adopting an ‘I don’t care’ attitude as a protective mechanism, could there be space for two people to show up as their true selves?

What is Conflict?

Conflict arises when two or more people come together with their different values, background, culture, experiences, perceptions, expectations, and goals. Because no two people are alike, conflict is inevitable.  

Many take conflict personally due to their beliefs about it. However, understanding the true purpose of conflict can lead to a different approach. At its core, conflict is about recognizing and navigating differences between two unique individuals. It also raises important questions: How can two people show up better for each other out of care and respect? How can they honor each other’s individuality without one having to compromise who they are?

When conflict is perceived as a threat or personal attack, one person may project their fears onto the other. In their defensiveness, they fail to realize they are putting the other person down in the process. Paradoxically, these same individuals may invite open communication, encouraging others to bring forth issues. Yet, when they respond defensively, their actions contradict their words. The other person has quickly learned that speaking up is ineffective and remains silent. As unresolved issues build up, the defensive person may shift responsibility, insisting the other should have spoken up earlier. This ignores the fact that their own defensiveness discouraged open dialogue in the first place.  

It’s important to remember that being defensive doesn’t make someone a bad person, as some are genuinely kind. Often, they feel their reputation is at stake and want to salvage it. The real issue is that people mistake conflict as an attack on their character when, in reality, it is about addressing actions. People may assume others are reducing them to a single trait, rather than recognizing that individuals have the capacity to view others as multidimensional. That is not to say that narrow-minded individuals do not exist. However, it is important to remember that another person’s perception should not define one’s identity.

In an attempt to protect themselves, some may respond with phrases like, ‘You’re too emotional,’ ‘You’re taking things too personally,’ ‘How could you think like that?’ or ‘Get over yourself.’ The issue with these statements is that they invalidate the other person, undermining their reality and experiences. In doing so, they deny the person for who they are and their natural reactions to the situation. Invalidation often stems from the belief that everyone must conform to one person’s logic and thought processes. The reality is that no two people are alike, nor can a person be a clone or extension of another.

Another issue arises from people not knowing where to demarcate responsibilities. Many unknowingly hold others accountable for their emotions, when in reality, emotions are shaped by one’s own perceptions. This is why conflict, at its core, is about bridging perspectives – not about proving one person right or wrong. With a deeper understanding, emotions will naturally shift from the new perspectives that bring clarity. Hence, in psychology, the brain first perceives a situation without emotion, then processes the thoughts around it, which in turn shapes emotional responses and behaviors.

This brings me to us: How often do we take on the burden of someone else’s emotions or expect them to manage ours? The truth is, we cannot control how someone thinks or feels, nor is it our responsibility. What we can do, however, is acknowledge the validity of their emotions from their perspective, making them feel seen and respected. By doing so, we create space for mutual understanding, allowing both people to address misunderstandings without turning the conversation into a blame game.

But what happens when this dynamic plays out within power dynamics?

Power Dynamics

In power dynamics, people often feel threatened when the person with lesser power challenges them. For example, this can occur in relationships such as parent-child, teacher-student, employer-employee, doctor- patient, religious leader-believer, social worker-client, and donor-beneficiary. The person in power may perceive it as a direct threat to their authority, fearing a loss of control. Consequently, invalidation and gaslighting may be used as tactics to reinforce their dominance and force the other person into submission.

But, is blind submission really the answer? The person with lesser power may still fulfill their responsibilities out of respect for the role or the work itself, maintaining a surface-level respect for the authority figure. However, beneath that, they may have lost personal respect in how they regard the person in power. At this point, their actions are not driven by a genuine desire to support the authority figure. Rather, the person with lesser power complies out of appeasement and fear, turning the dynamic dehumanizing by disregarding a person’s autonomy and needs.   

The real issue is that those in power often fail to recognize the weight of their influence or take accountability for their actions. Instead, they shift the blame, expecting the person with lesser power to adapt or create change in an environment where they hold little control.

So how do we navigate when we wield the power? Once we recognize that conflict is not a reflection of our character, we no longer need to fear how the other person reacts. Instead, we can shift our focus to understanding their pain points and addressing them with compassion. More often than not, those who seem intimidating are simply people who are hurting inside.

Similarly, as a caseworker, I started to recognize the power I held, and it was intimidating at first. However, I had to remind myself that power, when used constructively, can create an environment of safety, clarity, and transformation. In this environment, people can feel seen while also receiving hard truths that help prevent enabling behaviors. A good leader sees their teams as individuals, but a servant leader goes further to ask, “How can I best support my team members so that they can reach their fullest, unique potential?” 

Not All Conflict Has Resolution

Even with the best intentions, not all conflicts have resolution. In my former role as a caseworker, my job required navigating high-emotion situations with upset clients. Many of them had a history of trauma, so I learned that their frustration was not often about the situation itself, rather something deeper.

When emotions are escalated, the key is to first offer compassion and understanding on why someone feels the way they do. It is nearly impossible to have a productive conversation with someone who doesn’t feel respected or heard. After all, how can we expect someone to listen if they don’t feel heard, or show respect if they don’t feel respected themselves?

Compassion lays the foundation for mutual understanding, creating space to clarify or provide an alternative perspective. However, not everyone will accept the new perspective, as people are entitled to their own thoughts. Sometimes, no amount of discussion will change the reality of a situation, no matter how much a person wishes to change the past. When conflicts reach a standstill, the focus must shift from resolution to next steps. What can be done moving forward? What is within our respective control? These are the guiding questions when resolution is not an option.

When People Don’t Understand and Loving Yourself

What happens when we offer compassion, but the other person still shuts us down. What’s next?

This is something that I have wrestled with a lot in my life. Sometimes it feels unfair, bringing up the sentiments of “Why do I have to be the understanding one?” That’s where the real pain comes from- caring so much about others, only to find out that they cannot see it nor reciprocate in making you feel seen.

The truth is, some people lack the capacity to give to others when they are struggling to give themselves grace and self-compassion. When people are hurting, that pain can cloud everything else. Does it make their actions okay? No, because the impact is still there, regardless of understanding where they were coming from.

Many people are unaware of their blind spots, just as I have mine. So all I can do is humble myself, knowing that I, too, am imperfect. In a world full of projections, fear, and hurt, we can be different by offering grace when it is least expected.

And when you feel unseen, I promise you, you’re not crazy for how you feel. You also deserve to take up space. The love you give so freely to others, give that same love to yourself. Surround yourself with people who see you, who appreciate you, and where love doesn’t have to hurt.